Remember not to forget to unfuck yourself

 I got a little gem from the staff of my apartment building today. The Winter Newsletter scotch-taped to my door this afternoon reminded me where to park and where not to park, how to dispose of my Christmas tree, and why I shouldn’t let grease and food particles run down the drain. They also had me “note that we charge $30 for after hour lockouts.” Added to that was this helpful advice: “Please leave a spare key with a trusted friend or neighbor if you are likely to lock yourself out.”

I had to wonder what kind of paradoxically responsible airhead would be both likely to lock himself out and aware that he was likely to do so. It seems that the people most likely to lock themselves out are the most likely precisely because they don’t consider themselves to be so. 

Here’s how we might rephrase the apartment staff’s statement: “If you are predictably and reliably stupid, please consider taking steps to mitigate the ill effects of your stupidity.” That’s basically what they’re getting at. But we could go further:

“Hey, stupid. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Remember all the times in the past when you ruined everything and imposed on the people around you? Like the time you locked your keys in the car with the engine still running? Or the time you tried to microwave your soup while it was still in the can—do you remember that, doofus? Or the time you poured motor oil in the wiper fluid reservoir and antifreeze in the oil reservoir? That was a doozy. I don’t point these things out to shame you. I only point them out to show that you have established a historical pattern of thinking with your asshole and blowing it big-time. You fuck up frequently. You fuck up severely.

“So here’s the short version of it, fucknuts: the probability of your locking yourself out of this apartment late on a Sunday night is approximately 73%. That ain’t so so good, brainiac. For all I know, you’ve already done it once before. And if you do it, you’ll make the maintenance man unhappy, and he will make you pay him $30, which will make you unhappy.

“That’s not to say there isn’t a solution. If you leave a key with a neighbor, you can lock yourself out to your heart’s content without consequence. No one is asking you to stop being stupid or to stop making stupid mistakes. We love you the way you are. But if you just make a few simple arrangements beforehand, you can make your stupid mistakes less of an inconvenience. Thank you.”