Greetings and salutations!

Email has forever changed the way we address one another in professional correspondence. It used to be (I’m guessing, and I don’t have the time to research it) that all written correspondence was addressed with a simple “Dear John” or “Dear Mr. Doe.” That’s what they taught us in school. Now there’s an anarchic profusion of email salutations, and I don’t think there’s a single one I actually like. I’ll get to the reasons in a moment, but first here’s a sampling of some of the salutations I get on a daily basis (both from customers and coworkers):

Hi Dan,

Hello Dan,

Hey Dan,

Hi, Dan,

Greetings Dan,

Dan,

Hello Mr. Hauer,

Dear Mr. Hauer,

Dear Mr. Daniel,

Dear Mr. Daniel Hauer,

Dear Dr. Daniel Hauer, (usually comes from Chinese people who assume anyone      working for a scientific society must be a PhD)

Sir,

Dear Sir,

Dear Sir/Madam,

Dear Respected Sir,

And so forth. Some of the funnier ones come from the fact that my company is international and has customers from basically every corner of the globe other than the DPRK. But even within the US—and even within just my own little organization—you still see a good dozen ways to address an email.

The top two in my list are the only ones that don’t really grate on me in some way. I typically address my emails with a “Hi” or a “Hello.” It always feels kind of strange to me to write these verbal greetings, but it at least strikes a balance of being neither too familiar nor too formal.

A “Hey Dan” is too familiar. Or something. Anyway, I feel that only my friends should be allowed to “Hey” me in writing. 

A “Hi, Dan,” makes me think the person writing to me is an English major who’s trying too hard. That extra little comma is technically correct. Grammarians will tell you that any address should be set off by a comma from the person being addressed. (“How are you, Dan?” “Shut up, Dan.” “I don’t know why I bother talking to you, Dan.” etc.) But in an email, a “Hi” is less an address than it is an arbitrary signifier of geniality. And so that little comma is just offensively pedantic.

A “Greetings” isn’t so bad—almost a bit jovial, actually. But it only works with that limited number of people with whom you’re fairly familiar, but with whom you communicate irregularly. If you used “Greetings” with someone you email four or five times a week, it would seem affected and gimmicky, like wearing a bowler hat and horn-rimmed glasses.

A plain old “Dan”—with no salutational sauce on it at all—is too brusque. I feel like I’m about to be ordered to do something.

The use of “Dear” and honorifics doesn’t bother me so much (especially when it comes from foreign folks who try so damn hard, god bless ‘em), but it does make me feel like I’ve been transported back to the 1950s. I’ll respond to a “Dear” with a “Dear,” since I think it’s typically best to reciprocate in these things, and I’ll use a “Dear” when addressing a large group of people I don’t know (“Dear 2012 conference chairs”) or delivering bad news, but otherwise it’s just too formal. Emails aren’t the same as letters, and pretending they are looks silly and outdated. And as far as honorifics go, the only time I really like being called “Mr. Hauer” is when I’m checking into a hotel.

And last of all, the “Dear Sir” emails piss me off because they’re just lazy. I mean, come on man, you must have seen my name on the website in order to get my email address. You should at least take a crack at using my name, even if it ends up being “Dear Mrs. Hauer.”

The point of all this is that you absolutely cannot win when sending work emails. Even though we typically just breeze through the salutation without actually thinking about it, it still affects the tone of the message. You might try to tailor your salutations to the recipient, but from time to time you’re going to flub it and use something that makes you look foolish. And you especially have to worry if you’re sending it to someone like me who overanalyzes everything.