No assholes in a second language

The other night I started English tutoring sessions with a Mexican immigrant woman. I’m  doing it through my local literacy council. I was immediately reminded of why I enjoy traveling in non–English speaking countries and interacting with people who don’t speak English as a first language. The reason is that it’s a lot harder for all of us to be assholes when we’re communicating in words other than those we think in. The foreigner speaking English is the more obvious one using words he doesn’t think in, but it happens to the English-speaker talking to him as well. If you’re going to communicate with non-native English-speakers—that is, if you’re going to do it with any success—you have to simplify your own words and speak in a more formal, schoolbookish way than you usually would. The words coming out of my mouth resemble my inner monologue far more closely when I’m speaking to friends and family than when I’m speaking to my Mexican student.

And it’s hard to be an asshole when you’re talking that way. Think of all the nasty things you thought about other people today (and maybe said). Think about the nasty things people have said to you. Chances are, these things required expressions that are colloquial and (to a foreigner) complex. We rarely insult each other in textbook English. It’s in subtle manipulations of words that we find ways to really hurt and offend one another. And it’s in these complex, colloquial words that we think.

When two people are speaking in words that don’t totally match up with the words ordinarily in their heads, they’re forced not to think in their customary colloquialisms. It’s harder to think mean things about the person speaking with you, because you can’t find the right words. 

It’s not that I imagine my Mexican student is especially nasty in her Spanish-speaking life (she seems authentically warm and friendly) or that I consider myself a particularly big asshole in my more informal English-speaking life. But I’m sure we both have mean thoughts go through our heads in our native tongues. When we’re talking in the necessarily awkward, tripped-up English typical of conversations involving non-native English-speakers, though, we just sort of have to be (and think) nice.

There are still plenty of rude things you can do to others independent of language. You can scowl at them, shove them, yell at them, spit in their faces, and more. But aside from these acts of open and even violent hostility, it’s usually with words that we try to hurt and embarrass people. And even if we don’t say them, just thinking them influences our attitude and interactions. 

When the words don’t come naturally, the power to be really vicious evaporates. We all become a bit more innocent. I’m always ready at a certain point to return to conversation with native English-speakers. Being a bit of an asshole can be fun. And too much innocence and smiling can be nauseating. But a little here and there can be very refreshing.